Chapter "Creation" from "Sonny"

                                             Creation

James

Where there ever any good times?

Sonny

Yes. As long as it was just the 2 of us. When we were together, then we had peace. But, as soon as her family was involved then things began to go to hell. I many times would think of the day I had the talk with her of hinting the possibility of having a family because of feeling that I had no family because of the circumstances of my birth, the knowledge of my so-called parents and the death of mother Payne. I depended upon her womb to produce for me, what I had always felt would bring me a sense of identity. It was a complicated dilemma because I was not truly Sonny nor was my true last name Payne and yet rejected any attachments to those who laid to bore my flesh because of their evil. It was though I was given a life that was empty, void and was not of any falsity of my own. I seemed to be rejected of these said and taught common vitality for the sound human being.

James

So, you often wonder of why you existed?

Sonny

Yes. Don't we all? If there is any question that is inside of every human being, it is, “Why am I here?' “What is my purpose” or even when it becomes sacredly complicated, “What did I do to deserve this?” It was as being inside of a world of where everyone's life seemed to be the norm and yet mines was just an eccentric and complicated mess. And because of that, my mind would often question others lives as to why theirs were not as mines or why mines was not as there s.

Sonny seemed to be calm this day. I was careful to ask any questions that would ignite a violent response. I just listened.

Sonny

When one is asserted “blessed” with this kind of life that is indeed weird and yet said common because this is the life principle in its complex nature, it still invokes you to wonder and to question of why your life had to be designed upon the said strange, the weird, the complex without any consent or sins of your own while having so many good intentions inside and most of them executed and yet your life is empty of substance. You are simply a manifested victim of someone else sick sense of ill responsibility in which caused their degeneracy, filtering onto you to deal with or to be consumed. Life has seemed to vomit you forth and has left you to fin for yourself like an animal regarding understanding. And sometimes you don't get it right and that makes things a lot more complicated. Mother Payne was only able to give me answers that were contingently superficial and therefore void. The same answers that I would sometimes hear her give the other kids who would ask her those same tearful common questions that sprouted from the mind of a curious, thrown away abandoned and yet destined to be adopted child. This diverted and out of place state of existence and hoping that some kind already developed family would accept your status, into a status traditionally accumulated. But, she in no way could ever truly understand what it is like to be born into a world that has no answers for you and yet your only known reality is that, your parents were criminals against humanity and that you were a victim of their criminal acts; and that your anger and your rage does not belong to you because you did not choose it and your lashing out at the world, is simply you trying to be made free from their evil, sinful acts. She had the luxury of both parents in the home, the love of grandparents, aunts and uncles, sisters and brothers and her one son Joseph while all of such necessities were denied me for no acts that I brought upon myself.

To be born into a life that is considered by the standard set expectations, a strange and dysfunctional existence is so unfair while one feels inside the desire coupled with an intelligence of what a real existence is, even limited by not having the experience of such an assertion. One tends to walk inside an illusion until he one day finds out that the illusions was the so-called commonalities that has been so boldly pushed into your mind after being set and asserted as the norm, kicking you on the side of your brain with intellectual abuse saying, “Except this because this is the way it is; and it is not going to change and get better for you!” Translation...Fuck you!

You learn that life and its common desires is truly the lie and the prison in which you dwell in is your own flesh and what its memories constantly plague you of despite the fact that you want them to cease from assaulting your peace of mind, whatever that is. You shake your head trying to get those memories out of your mind in order to end the pain or permit yourself to do something to, to distract your mind from things, when you fail to understand in your will and desperation that, you cannot shake what is inside to get them out, without being reminded of the principals and knowledge of what you are trying to shake and destroy. It remains ever more so surly in your own negation, your own rebellion of what you fail to understand. To try to reject or to look away, only intensifies all of those morally, opposing and violent entities.

You understand that some fool lied to you while lying to the rest of the world with their divorces and their bullshit secret affairs breaking up the said family structure despite of how it affects the children, revealing that there was never a true structure if it was ever truly defined. Just the propaganda of the past 200 years of “bullshit” media of this family image, this family delusional, biblical justified foulness that perverts the mind with an unrealistic set of rules in which supports the aims of the enemy, as well as protect him or her. They say in their decisions and their actions, “Fuck the children!” And we, the children walk away bleeding from wounds that we did not inflict upon ourselves. But we still must pay for them with our hearts, our minds, our emotions. And who cares? No one truly. And you ask of what you were born into and you want out because despite if you see the sun each morning, there are no sunny days for you within because there are questions that seem to be never answered by a God that is written to say, “You have not because you ask not.” You want out of something that if you end it yourself, they say that you will go to hell; when God has given you nothing but a life full of constant hell without a fucking clue of why or what you did to deserve all of this, this “shit!”

You feel that hell can't be no more worse than what I am seeing, what I m feeling or what has been done to me unjustly. And then you question the principal of justice and wonder if that too is a crock of shit, because it seems to not support you, but yet in its failure to act on your behalf, does nothing but add more energy to the same pain that was giving to you by those, that same justice system that tells you that they were wrong, but yet have no law that is valet to punish them for their evil because they did not physically harm you, when the real wounds are internally thus, there are no laws to bring about peace if mind and spirit because the mind and spirit is neglected, abandoned.

So as the family principle that you are left to design upon your own, then so does this reflect your thoughts of what is just creating a will that is violent towards those who walk free even within their minds because they feel nothing inside by way of a justice system that is limited only to the physical act of the so-called human being even though they morally violate the principals of what is supposed to govern the human being. So, what happens inside? Out of what has failed you, you cultivate an internal system that will not fail you, that gives you satisfaction bringing about freedom, even if you have to kill in order to execute it in order to reap the internal rewards. Its justified by way of being neglected and abandoned, abused upon every level and manner of what was said to protect you. They have created a new kind of said monster, out of their own moral degeneracy. We become their future, but only expressed in the physical, while they cowardly conceal this reality inside of themselves in denial.

Sonny looked towards the window that was above me and seemed to be looking out..

Sonny

Knowledge carries with it a great pain as well as a sense of joy and satisfaction because of the deeds within its realm of sacredness that is desiring to be known. I have found knowledge itself dangerous in a sense and should be absolutely negated because of its harmful elements, triggering a violence within because of not being able to express it, because of not having no answers to pointless and empty acts of others. There were times of when I could not phantom the thought calmly to justify them as they simply drove away after dropping me inside of an alley trash dumpster because of one night they wanted to pleasure one another with senseless fucking that brought into physical existence, a child who will live a senseless existence and always search for something out of grasp because of his life's design from a God who claims to love him. Despite me being their child, how could you think and feel to do such a thing to any human being? A child of 2 months? A place of where they would often find dead drug dealers and gangsters, they placed a 2 month old child there. The thought and understanding of what they did, I feel is what placed inside me the urgency and the will to do what is right had I ever been given the chance to have a family.

This seemed to engulf me in many ways and in a sense caused me to move too fast in my judgment of baring children with a woman who was at first an angle in my world, but would after a short while, after my world had plummeted into a state of desolation and wonder, and searching for a foundation to build on, become and revealed as the worst Jezebel I have ever encountered. And I had 2 children by this monster. This wrenched human being had become the womb, the birthplace that I fucked so hard with sweat dripping off of my brow and chin to bring my children into a world that even I knew then, was crazy, chaotic causing duality inside the human being, when I knew that this bitch wasn't shit! It causes one to reflect upon motives and they reveal to be of a selfish nature as well as unintelligent. Because who could look around and see the mess that this world is in, who also say that they love their children or children in general and yet try to breed while the world is in the process of dying? But, your not an child abuser?

She led me to believe that she wanted something better than what she was raised around, and yet she was more involved in the filth than those other parasites and even had them deceived in a sense of her most lowest acts against our so-called relationship when she would secretly, between her alcoholic ass mother and foul ass younger sister, fuck her uncles from another in family bloodline feeling as though it justified it and yet still opened her mouth to call them uncle after she previously opened her legs to fuck them. Just a sick manifestation despite the beauty outwardly. She was a woman who was so beautiful to me, that I could never get enough of her sexually. I could fuck her all day and night if she let me. And sometimes she would. She would be exhausted and my appetite for her was outrages and almost cannibalistic. I made the mistake and fell in love with something that I was obsessed with in which is a wicked combination. I was addicted to her body and just could not stopped touching her. I did not want to have my children by anyone else and yet, I knew that she did not love me because of the way she began to treat me, the way she would talk to me. I did not know nor understand at the time that I was weak for her because I was obsessed with her. I was obsessed with her beauty, her body and yet she was fucking other people on her job and in her family and family friends including her uncles friend and her mothers boyfriends brother and also 13 years old son while she was 19 years old.

It was so humiliating to know that this was happening across town while she refused to come home to me. To know that she was fucking a child while her mother and mothers boyfriend knew it right there within the same home while it was happening. And then to come around this kid and him smiling at me feeling as though he had gotten over on an older man through his foul ass woman, was very....hard. I had the power to crush that kids head in a fifth of a second and had not the truth to justify it. I had to simply tolerate the fact that she got away from publicly humiliating me even without my presence by doing what she did, in their presence. And even if I had did something to that kid, they all had a way of twisting things and making it seemed as if I was just paranoid and was acting on insecurity. And insecurity that they themselves knew was justified. I hated them people so much.

She never admitted to the act even though the evidence was right out in the open and this is what I had claimed to had loved. I had often wondered of what made me so weak for this kind of abuse? How could I love someone who abuses me and yet assert that what my parents did to me was wrong? If I saw what my parents did to me was evil and abusive, then how could I see that what she was doing to me was not evil? I would be asserting that I love abuse and evil doings towards me. My mind would often wonder and had found no answers other than I just loved her and felt as a captive because of this so-called love which was revealed to be a strong lust that was manipulated by an urgency inside to be a sense of love.

I will assert that I did love her too much to the degree that I felt as though I was being punished. I often wondered if I was as my mother who was weak inside to the point of she was willing to sell her body to strangers? Was I that sick in the head? Was I as my father a careless bastard who cared not of how things affected others, as I was not truly concerned of how very much I was careless about my state of mind? I learned that you are only supposed to love God that much and never the human being, because the human being is flawed, foul and contaminated with bullshit; it knows it and uses it to get by with the love weapon for the sake of destroying other human beings. They use the love principal rather we have it right or wrong for their own benefit. They see you as a weak vessel after they have weakened you with their abuse and recognize that you have given too much of yourself to them by way of them giving you absolutely nothing. The more you reach out to them, the more they step back forcing you to reach further. And in time, you realize that you were just reaching deeper into a fire. They become in reach of everyone else accept you who love them. This makes one question love or even if there is such a thing in terms of what we have been taught, because this world always speaks of it, but never to my observation demonstrates it truly. It is always used for someone to get something out of the other.

I recall a day of when she threatened to leave me and I broke down and cried. I told her that I needed her in my life. I said this because I felt that she was the avenue in which my family would come through. As I said before, I depended on her and that was dangerous. So, even though I was walking upright physically, I was always on my knees crawling for this bitch. Always! She knew that the threat of leaving me was a strong tool to use against me because she knew I had no one else after Mother Payne died. She would say the coldest things as she did not care if I died in my sleep or if I was killed on the way home from work. And my thoughts would always go back to my being thrown away and into that dumpster and yet there was a feeling within that thought now that accompanied this thought. I was not able to feel the humiliation firsthand because I was but a 2 month old child; but as a man, being neglected and rejected was as a sharp spear into my heart and mind or a sharp blade piercing my stomach or cutting my throat. I would sit and read into of how weak I was to the point to were I was not able to function because I was so gutted with hurt and humiliation I was not able to property function and it seemed as if the economy was also against me. I gained about 100 pounds because of the stress. And the stress had inoculated a sense of hopelessness inside me and so I did not care anymore of my health; I just bought larger cloths. I was unloved, unsupported, disrespected. I was falling. I was dying. And she loved it because it gave her justification and therefore to her authority and power to do her evil along with the encouragement of her family.

There were plenty times of when I would appeal to her mother to do something about her and she would purposely do nothing, in knowing that her continuation of what she was doing, would in time destroy the union. She would do nothing because she herself wanted to see Gladys fail in her own evil and ignorance along with her own. She was a mother who was jealous of her own daughter and wanted to see her live just as much as a trifling and empty life as she. Her mother would willingly as the rest of her family withhold truth that could help heal the situation and make things better for us, but they held back that truth in order to hurt us both.

I would in time understand that she was just as guilty as they were. I never met nor seen such an evil and worthless family in my life despite what I suffered. These people had one another as I had no one truly other than Mother Payne and yet they had no humanity inside them for nothing and no one including themselves. They were content with their inhumane. They would only execute it in order to make you seem as if you had none. Oh they can do no wrong! They were the righteous! Long before I took their lives, I wanted them all dead because their evil had seemed to be ignored by this God I would pray too for strength. This God that sent me into the world as a bleeding sheep, still carrying wounds of my past, in the midst of hungry, and viscous wolves.

I would pray feverishly to God and would grieve Isn t this what you want? Don t you want a man to love his woman and his children? What am I doing that is so wrong and yet there is only wrong being done to me while I continue to love as you say we should? Well, it had seemed as though the same God who openly spoke to Abraham, Moses, Jesus and the others was a closed door for me. I heard nothing; not even inside. God had forsaken me in all of these unprovoked storms and thus to my understanding, God supported what was being done to me 100% because their aggression against me was 100% because God did nothing to decrease their scandalous aggression. I would think that my state of existence was really and truly as that of the dumpster I was caste in in terms of the family principal. Empty, void and it smelled with a stench that was irritating because I did nothing to deserve what I was getting. I thought in God refusing to stop what was happening to me, then it was God who was tossing me back into that same dumpster only in the tangible and symbolic manner. I hated God for not helping me, for not saving me from a life He dumped me into.

People say that life is not fair? Fuck life then! I find that hypocritical as well as offensive if not entrapment into something evil for a life that is said to be of innocence in its beginning. How could God be of righteousness and of justice and yet birth us into a life of injustice that shapes us into unjust beings and then condemn us for being, without our consent, shaped and molded into what does not please God? My life despite what I was taught by Mother Payne and the church came into question more and also what I had been told and taught in being told, my life experience had reveal them all as blunt lies. And so in seeing these things as lies, without someone constantly being in my presence to keep me blinded of the facts, instantly an inner truth was revealed that I would soon execute my actions by despite what was imposed on me of the law or the church which I realize were working in accords to destroy me in affect.

I saw that the justice system did not protect people as me, nor did the church condemn them for their evil acts against a fundamental humanity, but told me that I should love them regardless of their willing evil towards me and to also pray for them. To pray for those who willingly castrated their very souls by willingly committing evil? To pacify the evil doings of others? Is that righteous? What prayer could save them? And if I have this power to intervene for them, then why is it that when I pray for guidance and strength I do not receive it for myself? So, is the victim used to free the victimizers? This knowledge became more apparently harmful than liberating because it did nothing but mentally positioned me for more hurt, slander and humiliation and therefore encourage them in their evil against me; and so in my own observation, these beliefs did nothing but encourage aggression and evil acts from the evil doers, the creators. In committing myself to this form of persuasion caused me to be in time more weak for the evil that surrounded me.

I had come to the conclusion that this alone was a state of being that was designed for the destruction of what God had asserted, was for the betterment of what He created for a preparation for to be worthy to become a part of His Kingdom of peace and serenity. I failed to see of why a human being had to walk through so many unprovoked storms, inherit so many nemesis unprovoked as well, just in order to be given a rest after his or her death? And we are never told of what we did collectively to deserve such a harsh dilemma. We are to accept abuse all of our lives in order to get a rest after our deaths; and then even after that, some will still go to hell. This all seemed in its design to be a god of injustice asserting to be a god of justice and a god of truth only to be revealed to be a god of lies. It has been a known fact that suffering can only come about through the acts of lies and deceit in the form of karma in which alone is said to be executed by God. I felt that all that was taught to me, despite who I loved who told me, was just bullshit.

I would often have flashes of my being where I sit this moment and would not feel disturbed. This state of existence had a long time ago whispered to me to be my last state of rest. I thought that life alone and its accusation of what is free, was in itself bondage. All that I saw, the dope pushers, the church and their crooked pastors, the politicians, the lawyers ect, were all the same and yet some of them were used to send me to this place, a place for the criminals, while I saw all of my life that they were the real criminals that are created in their so-called civilized universities. They create a system that if you tell them the manufactured truth that they demand, then you will not get what you need in life. Many have to lie just in order to survive because the truth in a world as this does not set you free because the system is designed against the truth speakers. If you tell the truth, you starve and if you lie, you eat. Strange of how a system that claims to deliver on your telling the truth of your condition, can only deliver when it is lied too.

Sonny smiles and sits more relaxed in his chair sighing. He laughs softly....

I find this visit of yours one of a more intellectual one for myself, Dr. Goodman. I fail to see the necessity to imbue such profane words in order for me to properly express myself if I indeed am content of my status and behold, in the same, giving purpose of your own in your presence. I often think that I have been wounded in my past in such a manner that this man whom speaks before you sometime shows his head out of the cloud of death to let me and others know and understand that he still exist. I am confused of him in not knowing if I like him as a human being or not, considering my seeing him as a weak person. He justifies my content after him in his mistakes and weakness pointed me into this direction. He had truly no other purpose in the so-called civilized society that is said to be outside of these doors after the death of his family.

I am seeing this moment that it is he whom feels the need to explain the other side of myself that he agrees with. Yes, that part of myself that is universally shared among all of humanity even though most fear to reveal that side because it frightens even them because they are in fear of walking into a valley within themselves that are filled with mirrors that they must look into if they ever want to get through it. Sir, once one walk into the valley, there is no turning back because the valley holds answers of many things of the self that our nature needs to understand. And in that fact, that is the energy that forces us in a convincing manner to move ahead, forwards in an almost lustful, fearful and even greedy manner.

We even tend to look past mirrors that we have not yet looked into to explain in principal of what those ahead will come to mean and so we make the mistake of moving past those mirrors with this anxiety seeded with rebellion and going to the end and not liking what we see. We see an unpleasant image that we painted in our rebellious imagination of not looking into the others for the sake of self awareness, and thus we without knowing it, Shatter the last mirror even before we get to it, and a false image is implicated in the place of the mirror of what we would like to see in the place of what truly is. We fail or do we? This would be something for you to ponder upon after you leave this place doctor. But, as you, as I have waited for an answer, you will see that after you receive it, there will be something in your life that may reveal to you that, this thought to be new revelation imbued suddenly has forever been there or it came at too late a time.

David Anthony Brayboy