Sins of Innocence Chapter 45

Chapter Forty-Five

The Hour Glass of Benjamin Bergstrom

Michael

As time continued we noticed that Bishop Bergstrom started to look as if he was getting sick. Bergstrom was already a rather thin looking man, kind of, as one would assert “Lanky” looking. But, we noticed that he slowed down his activities with his work in the community by much bed-rest during the hours of the day. There were many who would come and ask for him from the community and we would have to tell them of his disposition. Bergstrom’s eyes would show a slight brownness in them and also developed an often course cough in which caused him to bend over with strain in his face as if he was in a great pain. He was getting sick in front of our eyes. But, strangely at night, Bergstrom would still take his walks. There was a particular Thursday night we noticed he was not at the Cathedral at the hours of us getting ready to rest of the day. It was about 11 o’clock in the evening. The brethren decided to go and look for him. I volunteered to go with them. It was 7 of us who went to look for him. This night was very eerie; it was wet from the rain that fell earlier. It was cool and there was a thick fog mist all through the city of Chicago that seemed to cause the city to a stand still.

We searched for him for almost 2 hours and some of us had began to worry; until we spotted him on a corner standing against a building in the shadows, a place the Chief of police asked us to stay out of numerous times. This caused me to question of why he would be waiting in the shadows when it is said that Daniel attacks from the shadows? We called his name and walked up to him asking him why he was standing there at that time of night. He told us he was resting and waiting for someone. He then, after he said that started walking back towards the Cathedral. We looked kind of confused at one another as to all subliminally questioning one another of who it could had been whom he was waiting on. Afterward we just walked with him until we made it back to the cathedral. No one ever asked him whom he was waiting for. But, I will never forget such a night as this and the fear that I felt inside.

As we were all walking back to the Cathedral, I felt an eerie feeling all around me that was as cold as the winter wind and as wet as a summer rain fall. It was a world that we consoled and yet refused to be a part of enough to resolve it in our lack of compassion. The Atmosphere was still and yet enveloped with a fear and curiosity that was staggering and I would guess that for the other men, it was because of what was said was going on through the media and the people coming to confession in terms of their families being murdered. But, for me, it was something else that was secretly known and making me a prisoner of shame as well as fear. I was walking and looking around and into every dark area against the buildings and alleys. After a short time, my mind caught notice of the sound of all of us walking upon the wet streets; it was so very dreadful and internally long suffering for me and I longed for the time of when we reached St. John’s Cathedral so that I would no longer have to hear those shoes walking upon that wet ground reminding me of my secret and pathetic lot.

It had become a night that I suddenly craved to be ended quickly and yet I knew that I would not be able to rest soundly. I so needed with an urgency to get back inside of the walls of the Cathedral and had began to walk more quickly then the others until I was in front of them. I knew that all of this fear was because of Daniel and his misdeeds as well as my own fear of being exposed. I was so gutted with guilt and shame and was lost of an intelligence of any emotion that I was feeling. But I could feel inside in terms of this insight that I had, that this entire thing would soon come to an end and I had no indication of where my life would be after-wards or if it would anymore more have any substance, any meaning of being the biggest liar, the biggest hypocrite and murderer. Suddenly as I was looking across the street, I saw in the fog a moving shadow against a building wall in an alley of a person slowly moving back into the alley as if they were wearing a long coat. My heart was vexed to think that this could be Daniel. I began to walk quicker ahead looking nervously around until we safely arrived back at the Cathedral.

After we helped Bishop Bergstrome back in his quarters, we tended to his comfort and as we were helping him, I passively looked over at his dresser and saw a picture. I saw a picture of him standing with an older woman who looked to be a nun and also a younger Middle Eastern looking woman holding a baby on her hip that looked to have been about one year old. It looked as though this woman who was holding the baby was an amazing resemblance of Mary. As I was getting ready to focus on the picture by moving closer to it, Brother John had suddenly called me to leave Bergstrom’s quarters by the Bishop's wishes. I starred at Brother John wondering of why he would order me to leave suddenly, but I did not want to cause any problems, I just did what a brethren is supposed to do regarding orders of a Bishop to do; I left and went to my quarters in a state of confusion of such a complex evening. And within the same moment of complexity, I hoped I had gravely misunderstood the entire suggestion.

As I walked to my quarters my mind was thinking the worst. My stomach had instantly become upset. “Who was he waiting for in the shadows?” After entering my quarters, I stood at my bedroom window and looked outside at the city from the back of the Cathedral. I felt as a man who was dipped in water on a cold winter day and was sat upon train tracks by someone, awaiting the train to come because there were so many signs of such possibilities of something coming and the sacredness of what it could be, was horrifying as well as humiliating. After a while thinking of things, suddenly there was a knock on my door. I said for them to enter; it was Brother John. He entered….

Brother John

It was not I Brother Michael who suggested that you leave the Bishops quarters; it was his desire, oddly so. I gave no utterance that lead to his decision.

I looked at him as to ask him why, because I did not understand even in all of my fears

Brother John

I am not at liberty to tell you his reason because even I don’t know. I would not assume to understand such an order against your presence. I'm afraid it would only be misleading as well as a misrepresentation of the Bishop. But I do need to ask you something.

I was hesitant in a fear but I told him to ask me whatever question he needed to ask me.

Brother John

I don’t understand, Brother Michael, of why he insist on taking these night walks as he does at a time as this while there is so much bloodshed going on in the city. Do you?

I told him that I had no idea of why he was taking those walks. He then walked over and stood next to me by the window also looking out.

Brother John

I sense something wrong about everything. I am indeed perplexed. And I hope that I am able to converse with you of this. Even in this state of confusion? The brethren seem to not be as concerned as I. I hope I am respectfully understood.

I looked over at John in a surprising look because we have always been able to share things with one another

Michael

Of course you can talk to me about anything. You know that Brother John. What are your concerns?

Brother John

This man was offered to be a Cardinal in Rome because of his work in Africa, Indonesia and Florence Italy. And among all the other places he has done work, he turned them down…and then decided to come back here. As ill-responsible as this may sound of me, as a man of the cloth, who understand the need for a global concern, why here of all places? This is where the confusion arises within me.

I told him that Chicago was his home for many years and he maybe just wanted to come home. As I stared out the window and still I knew my answer was extremely careless as well as, irresponsible…

Michael

It’s hard to call, if not even imagine considering this place home anymore for anyone. There’s been such a shift in morality here moving in favor of the beast within mankind that it cause me this feeling of not only fear…but also… helplessness. I sometimes feel even in the counseling, a fear within for the people and even our selves. It sometimes seems as if the world is closing in on us and we are helpless to be devoured as there are truly no words that can save us. I feel a terrible state of being disarmed against the factors of what is ruling our society into a mess of utter damnation. We are not being made equipped, I fear.

John

So, there are moments that you feel as if God has abandoned us?

Michael

If I understood this factor upon an emotional level, I would assert, yes. But I do not, brother John. I am absolutely sure, with great assurance that God never abandons mankind. Mankind abandons God and thus it is we who bring upon ourselves the calamities that are in the power of the beast to destroy us as human beings, when we cease to be human beings anymore. We destroy ourselves. In our rebellion, we give the beast within us, power over our lives. I am just beginning to see and understand that the majority of us are lost and only a few will survive this. And in this, I truly grow to have an undying compassion for those who are said to be lost. I see many as not lost in their own choices; but are mere host to someone else s evils left behind.

My heart felt such a sense of a hobbling guilt rising as a rush of cold water crashing inside me up against my own shame in knowing that it was I whom I was speaking of. I could barely contain my own identity within my own mind without feeling a sick sense of self-hatred and hypocrisy. Because I knew that I was the cause of much of what was transpiring outside my bedroom window, yes while I slept at night. I thought of the night that Daniel killed Martina. I slept in a warm comfortable bed, while she laid dead in an alley on a cold and wet ground dying.

Michael

It’s probably not as complicated as it may seem. Just maybe to us of why he decided to come back here. We sometime percieve things as odd due to us and our limited understanding, if maybe being in that same position regarding the Vatican, would we of made a different decision had we been honored the same blessing and not be felt inside as a selfish one. I sometimes wonder if rejecting blessings as these is indeed a blessing unto itself or if accepting them because of the condition of our hearts causes them to be a curse unto us?

John

It is indeed a question to ponder upon.

Michael

I think his decision causes all of us to question our own flaw of ambition in regards to his state of humility and where it derives from. It would be a dreadful mistake to only assert his humility because of his age. I would say that humility in this life…is found in time to reveal itself as the greatest blessing in a world full of calamity and distress that sees only material assets and status as its source of resolve. I just pray that those times are not for those who are only living in their last moments.

Brother John

So, you’re saying that sometimes showing the greatest strength is rejecting the rewards that are deemed as the apex of success?

Michael

Yes, it reveals and exemplifies a great sense of humility and intelligence in a person; even though they themselves are not trying to show others anything. There is an understanding there that is not commonly understood nor felt that brings them to a state of peace and clarity without embracing the kind jester of those who wish to celebrate their efforts towards humanity. It seems to be a peace that no one outside of them can understand unless they too are blessed to feel it, to know it. It is not them of rejecting anything, in the sense of condemning it as futile. It is more a releasing of that which is made and seen as vital to this world, but to them have truly no substance or real virtue. They have been risen above it by something greater than man can explain. It, to them is simply material that could never add to them, more of what is already present.

John did not know that I was talking of my own personal objective in the priesthood….

Michael

It is very revealing of a great standard of integrity. It was the choice I had made concerning my life in terms of my family and its wealth or coming here. I at moments wonder of what comes first in our journey even though the 2 could never co-exist, humility or ambition? Or if humility is but a result of being exhausted with the issues of life and the next step is towards self-destruction because we lack the incentive to do anything else more, fearing failure and it’s pains.

Brother John

It’s a hard question to answer brother, because fear has a way of convincing us to no longer venture to find the answers. We actually think that fear convinces us not to move towards those answers when it is just our submission to fear itself becoming afraid.

Michael

Indeed. We tend to be afraid to move forwards and yet are afraid not to move.

Brother John

But, it does take a real sense of humility in order to reject something as that without conflict, when most wouldn’t because of wanting to feel important due to not feeling secure within them selves. It takes a great strength. It itself still causes me, beyond my capacity to ignore, to think in all of this, his rejecting the Cardinal position to come here. I believe there is something here he needs in order for him to find a peace that he has not yet obtained. There is something keeping him in bondage that he needs freedom from…inside. I would think that these walks at night are a way of finding his answers to whatever is causing his soul to grieve. This…he seems to be going through alone by choice, this trial has only served as a distraction that is robbing us of what he has within to share.

John paused and then said…

Brother John

He just arrived here Brother Michael…. along with all of his knowledge and experience and now he will be leaving us soon. Not much time to absorb what he has to pass on for the benefit of the mind. I feel that all of what he has experienced, his time is too limited in the flesh to express all of it. For a man…as myself…who willingly places his feet upon paths in which leads to great understandings, it saddens me greatly that this particular path regarding him, will soon be shortened.

I asked him of why he said that. He sighed….

Brother John

He’s sick Brother Michael. A blind man would be able to see that but some of us haven’t. How could one not see, what one who is blind could see?

John suddenly looked over at me in concern

Brother John

What has caused you to be so internally blind Brother Michael? What has occupied and distracted your mind to such intensity that it has blocked your intuition of the obvious?

I did not answer him; I couldn’t answer him without revealing myself. He was correct. I was so in bondage of not wanting to be exposed, I had gotten blind to his being sick. We both stood there looking out at the city. A city that was losing its humanity at an accelerating rate untamed. Both seemed to be sharing a sense of helplessness for the city. As if we were locked inside of a prison cell. Then Brother John spoke….

Brother John

He seemed to have been a bit uncomfortable with your presence, Brother Michael. For a time I have noticed his limited converse with you. Almost as an effort with energy to avoid it almost premeditated. Do you know him from times past?

I was nervous because as was said before of Brother John Alexander, he had a very strong gift of discernment and understanding. I felt as though any answer I gave him would not be understood simplistically. He would if not there, ponder on it until whatever his mind was destined to obtain or receive. Only the truth in its simplest and conclusive content would protect me from this most gifted man.

Michael

No, I don’t know him. Nor do I understand his disposition of me, Brother. I guess in time I will grow on him. If not, I would hope that he would in time point out something in which I can correct, if there is such a dilemma. It does cause me discomfort though to be the object of needed and yet unspoken reformation. I am sure in time he will be generous towards me of his counsel.

Brother John

I’m sure. I will get my rest. I will see you in the morning. Maybe we can have breakfast in the city?

I looked back at Brother John…

Michael

Yes, I would like that.

Brother John

Rest well Brother Michael.

Brother John left. I knew that what he was questioning me about was his way of saying to me that he was watching things regarding Bishop Bergstrom’s attitude towards me and also mines towards him. I felt that by my not knowing the reason for his attitude towards me, placed me in a safe position due to my responses in the presence of others as Brother John who would pick up on possible revealing implications. This self-destructive, insidious way of existing was as sheer a shadow, as the shadows Daniel moved in, in the night; the same shadows that Chief Greg Myers had instructed the people of Chicago, to stay out of for their own safety. But I, as Daniel, was using the psychological shadows to hide about. I then understood the genetic attribute of Daniel choosing the shadows to dwell in; I, his father was the same as he and he the same as I.

The following morning Bishop Bergstrom would announce to the Church cabinet while speaking that he had Leukemia. The brethren were visibly upset especially Brother John, who already knew. But he, Bergstrom stood strait up and said “Death is a part of the process of going to God and into the realness of life.” “I would appreciate those who love God enough to know that I will be in good hands and to love me enough to know that I no longer will be suffering at the hands of this sickness.” I heard a man who I envied. He was at peace with God. At peace so much that he was even content with his medical condition. But, as Brother John said, he was taking those walks for a reason and because of those walks it was as he was dealing with time in terms of something else other than the cancer that was taking him from all of us.