Thoughts to My Grandfather

Thoughts to My Grandfather

I wanted for a long time to take this walk with you inside through my gift of writing. I found that during the years, I had come to realize of how you were in my presence all of my younger life, and yet of how you were taken from me in the most important manner, for the balance inside of myself as well as your own. I never had the mind to venture into the reasons of why there was a disconnection between you and I; however never did I not sense a wanting to be close with you upon a level of the intellect as well as the needed emotional bond to my grandfather. There were many things unsaid and therefore, the silence between us during those times of when a relationship should had been cultivated, was in fact a very loud and yet empty state of being. But, nevertheless I did love you and saw you as a man of great intelligence and humility who I felt was able to fix anything that compromised its function including the family social structure inside of what was asserted to been a home, however to my understanding even then, was only a house.

The times of when you would suggest that I joined Gram in coming over to your home to spend time in your pleasant and orderly atmosphere, I would always feel that it was an opportunity to know you as I felt you are to me. You were always a man of humility and intelligence as I always noticed no matter of my age. I was proud of you even then. I recall those moments when I would sit in silence and watch you communicating with other people on your radio CB in your basement. I would ask you questions on somethings and you would answer me in the most objective manner that you were able to. Even then, I could feel a barrier between us that we both felt was not placed there by any actions of offense between us. But, the home that you produced contained a peace within that I keep of my home this day and time. We never in our lives together had an argument, nor even the slightest disagreement. I would come to understand why that was there; and even though it was rooted in the past, there was one who would always keep that open wound going for years and would raise me up to not love you and call you my grandfather, but simply junior. I was raised up to see you as a nemesis and not a loving grandfather. I always rejected that to the max of my ability because you never said nor did anything to me that was wrong. Never.

I were to realize one night at work after finding out of your passing, the immense damage that did to me when I suddenly realized that I never had the chance to hug you. I looked at the pictures of you and my aunts and uncles and realized that. I fell apart at work. “I never hugged my grandfather” I said as I walked those halls of work. I never hugged you as your children of your last wife hugged you. I also was never encouraged to do so with knowing that I was a shy and distant kid. I never saw any of my uncles embrace you nor my said mother or sister. I often thought of why I never saw these most important demonstrations of love and expression. I often would wonder if that had hurt you in any manner. I often wondered if you thought of my whereabouts. I were to find out that you would had known had the 2 nemesis in my life since I have known myself, would had given my uncle the proper information to locate me sufficiently so that I would be able to come and pay my respects. I never knew that you physically passed. I only felt that there was a possibility that you did. I found out of your transition on social media. I felt that I lost you within the sea of mystery and regret because there were so many things I needed to tell you and wanted your insight on for my living.

I were to understand through the years of how very important it is for a child to be raised to acknowledge their elders upon every state of the being, as they truly are regarding the titles of honor and respect. I found that there are internal ingredients contained in that acknowledgment that imbue and then germinate inside of that child as well as that elders thoughts and feelings that are ordained for a sense of completeness. I know these things now. We tend to feel saddened of not having those vital things; however, in our not having those important internal possessions activated, we in our nature of knowing what is wrong are made to understand what those factors are in the same movement of what is right. We find to know, what we were never placed in the position to know in experiencing them. So, is there truly that state of emptiness know as a void? You were to help me to understand even now that there is never a void; but just not having perception as yet of the reality. You were to help me to see slowly that I have never lost you within all of the conflict and the misinformation. You were to show me that you are indeed in my corner and in the presence of my heart and mind.

As many times, I am able to suddenly feel your presence. I know that it is your presence because I would not have my thoughts and feelings upon you. There are times of when I am talking to people and I would react in a facial expression and then speak words, and would be able to hear your voice coming out of me and also feel/recognize your presence even in my facial expression and there is always a humility present. I often find myself walking under the sun out here in Las Vegas and would notice in my shadow, the rhythm of your walk. I would see and feel you walking with me. I can feel and see that I have adapted your walk and some of your characteristics. I see your face in the mirror each day that I live. The more seasoned I am becoming in age, the more that I am able to see your handsome face. I come to know and understand that the void or lost that I felt, is being filled for my own assurance. I am seeing that you are letting me know that you are with me, and that you always have been. I know that whatever relationship that we were rejected of, is now being cultivated in a manner of which no one can prevent it. There are many who feel that you are only of their own; but, you were my grandfather before many who have in time become your children; and so my words of love and expression will have to be understood because they will never end. This is understood because its very practical for all to feel as such considering the time you had with them and them with you. It is apparent within a family that has been divided in many aspects. But, I have learned to let that go and am now since a long time, concentrating upon my own immediate family and of how I am able to be the most encouraging role in the life of my sons as possible.

I wanted you to know that I love you; even though I never had the chance to tell you that and you to me. I need for you to understand that I wanted to know you more closely as my grandfather beyond the conflict and manipulation that was in the way. I wanted you to know that I understand why you felt to be limited towards me as I found out through the years that it was not of your own decision. I hope to one day become as humble as you were to my eyes. A man who seemed to walk in humility. No matter of what others said in my presence, I only saw a man of intelligence and humility. That is all I saw and felt. I have been very angry for many years because of the abuse and betrayal of the 2 who were always saying unsettling things of you in my presence; but justice has taken its course in regards to them. But, I wanted you to know that I feel your presence about me. I see you in my face and hear you in my voice, feel you in my walk and I am starting to detect your intelligence in harmony of my own. It is causing me to become more calmer and more in simplicity. I want you to know that I always loved Mother Lelia. She was always very concerned and sweet to me. She forever showed me kindness. I recall you telling me “all that I ever wanted was a woman who love God.”

I thank you for all of my uncles and aunts. I thank you for all you given to me and this family, even if there are some who fail to understand it. And, I look forwards to the moment if it is so for my soul or such a place and time, to finally take that walk with you that every grandson and grandfather should walk:) I love you. I honor you. Do I miss you? I used to. But, not anymore because you have in truth made your presence felt and known to me even as this is written from inside of me. I thank you for being with me because it has caused the void and the regret to vanish as the darkness when the light enters a space:) Your presence with me is far more better than the hug that I never got to give you:)

I love you Sir James Kelly Jr

Your Grandson

David Anthony Brayboy